Guess none of us had 2020 vision

2020. This year has been brutal and finally the end is approaching.

I have been blessed as so far, my friends and family have stayed healthy. For this, I will always be grateful.

However, 2020 has still been a devastating, hard year which has required a lot of obstacles to overcome. I have been blessed with so many new, amazing kind souls who I care for deeply. I have lost so many people I thought I would have for life. I have felt heartache, I have numbed myself, I have begun to try to heal. I have felt desperation, overwhelming pain, and numbness.

I have hit rock bottom a few times. I have seen no way out and just wanted the overwhelming pain to end. I have cried until I can’t breathe. I have struggled to get out of bed for days on end. I have gone weeks without eating.

And yet, I spent 2 months alone. I begun facing my trauma. I stopped running away from it and numbing the pain. I didn’t sleep for weeks from nightmares. But I reached out when I needed it. I began speaking up. I shared my story. I got into a good routine, I leaned on my friends as much as I virtually could. I began yoga, running and meditating. I spoke to a new, but supportive friend who even if they didn’t share my views I never knew as they always supported my own.

I started processing my emotions. I began laughing again. I would spend days just dancing around my flat by myself without a care in the world. I would let myself cry when I needed to. I learnt to listen to my body. I started eating again. I started to slowly love myself, flaws and all. Reigniting my love for writing, and using it therapeutically to help process how I’m feeling.

And then I managed to start having a good summer. I fought for what I believed in and made my voice heard. I laughed and danced with my friends. I explored. I watched the sunrise multiple times with feelings of pure bliss. I lay on the grass feeling the nature beneath my skin at 4am. I stood in the sea feeling the waves crash gently against me, hearing the sound and feeling euphoric. Every time I closed my eyes later that night I could feel them still against my skin.

I explored nature. I went on daily walks, I reconnected with my friends. I yearned to hug them, but was comforted by their laughs.

I hit rock bottom again. I didn’t sleep for two months, having nightmares every night. Living in a constant state of fear. Panic attacks were my normal. Daily FaceTime calls to my friends as I struggled to breathe. Not eating for fear of leaving my room. Lying in bed feeling empty, but constantly terrified. Dissociating thinking I was back there. Hating myself for thinking I was healed.

But that’s the thing – healing isn’t linear. It never will be. And that’s okay. There’s no point in curing trauma – it is impossible. Instead, being able to have the means to cope is imperative.

Back then, I did not think I would ever reach that point again. It progressively got worse. I lost my job and was unemployed for months. My trauma was bubbling at the surface – nearly 6 years worth – and I was constantly having flashbacks. I lost a lot of people I loved deeply. I was in a constant state of fear. I lost my voice to fight back.

And my friends were always there. They facetimed me for hours listening to me crying. They dragged me out of bed for daily walks. They knew I hadn’t ate for a few days so came over and ordered my favourite food. They were the light in the darkness. They gave me hope, unconditional love and despite how awful this year has been I am grateful for it as it has truly made me appreciate them from the bottom of my heart. They make me feel safe, even offering to sleep on my floor so I can finally have a good nights sleep. Answering the phone at any time to ensure I’m okay. Coming straight over when I’m not okay. Being there, being present, accepting me and loving me.

I have truly been blessed with angels.

And its’ funny how life works. I hit another low in September. The emotional pain was unbearable, my heart was aching. I couldn’t deal with how low I felt. I hadn’t left the house for awhile. Constantly on the sofa crying at rom-coms. I couldn’t cope with the pain anymore. I went to ring the Samaritans. I ended up reading my old journal from when I was 14-the end of college. Surprisingly, it calmed me down enough to contact my best friends and reach out about how I was feeling. I felt awful and humiliated, I did not want to put more on them. They were there straight away. I got a text about a new job. Little did I know how much my life was going to start getting back on track.

Now I have a job I enjoy. I’ve been offered another job which I’m excited for. I’ve been blessed with new people in my life. I’ve felt pure happiness and bliss again.

As I sat on top of titty hill staring out across the city with my best friend, listening to Logic, I felt warmth in my chest knowing it really was going to be okay. Amazed that 2 months prior, I never thought I was going to feel anything other than my trauma, and yet now I felt so far away from my low points.

This year isn’t about great achievements. This year, we should be grateful and proud of ourselves for surviving. For the little things.

This year, I’m grateful for my friends. For my family.

This year, I’ve learnt that it’s okay to let go. That sometimes, history between friends does not mean anything. To listen to people, their actions – they tell more than their words and if their actions aren’t respecting you or your past experiences, they aren’t worth your time or energy.

I’ve learnt that I am not my trauma. It does not define me and I will commit to ensuring this remains the case. I have learnt that its okay to have bad days – bad weeks – but I will come through it. I will have another titty hill memory. I will feel happiness and love again.

I am proud of myself for getting through this tough year. And anyone reading this, I am so proud of you. We’ve nearly made it. And honestly, you will have achieved so much more than you are giving yourself credit for.

This year has been fucking shite. That’s okay.

Here’s to a better 2021. I hope it brings happiness, love, safety, and health.

Manifest it bitches

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